I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize