I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
