just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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