i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
