I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just pee around me
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Someone signed my nipple.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
