My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
