Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
