Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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