when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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