I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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