i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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