i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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