I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Mom said you looked used
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
