i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
