I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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