She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
