The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
