please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
