Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
