Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
