wanna go halves on a baby?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
