dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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