Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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