Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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