I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize