I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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