I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
