She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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