Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
