Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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