At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
