how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
