Betty ford says i'm here all night
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
