Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Still dying that you shit outside
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
