I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
