I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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