Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
