Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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