Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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