Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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