I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
