even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
