I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Randomize
