no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize