she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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