my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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