a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
