Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
