i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
