Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Enjoy the penises
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
