my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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