My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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