3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
