I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
