if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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