There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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