and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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