smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
