My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
As shirtless as possible
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
