is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize