I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
