if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
