Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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