i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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