i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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