I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
