Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
